My mother is in hospital.....again

For almost the same thing.

She was in hospital in October for loss of balance. They did CT scans, found nothing. But I called her on the dreaded, cursed December 8 after a huge sobbing crying bout she had, and she could hardly speak, and only said 'call an ambulance'.

Turns out she had a bleeder in her head from high blood pressure, she had not been taking her meds. An old problem, she doesn't like taking pills. Thank God I called her, as she was lying on the living room floor. The front door was locked, I got one of the neighbors to call an ambulance, I was unable to do so from up here, and one of the neighbors had to climb through the kitchen window.

She is now in ICU at Long Island Jewish Hospital. The prognosis seems good, but she has chronic high blood pressure, but she does not take her meds faithfully. I do not know what we are going to do. I cannot trust her; she tells me she takes it, but she doesn't.

All her neighbors try to help, but she does not seem to cooperate. I do the best I can from here, besides going through cancer treatment, but I myself, feel like I'm going to have some sort of a breakdown. My aunt and cousins are going to the hospital today.

More coming.

Prayers and hugs to Kara, who had a friend pass away on the hideous December 8, due to a motorcycle accident. He leaves behind 2 daughters and a wife who is expecting a baby boy. He was only 25.

I dread December 8.

My dad

It's one year today my dad passed away.

Seems like yesterday, then again it seems like ten years ago.

We laugh now at things he said and did, talk about what he would say if he could see us now, if only he would have told us about things going on in his life. But you can't turn back time. And knowing things we know now, I have to think he's in a better place.

I can never see a NY Giants game and not think of him. Nor see a NY Mets game game and not think of him. I still see things on TV or read things and immediately think "oh, I gotta tell dad that", and stop myself. It's strange. You know he's gone, but you still sometimes think of him in the present.

My mom still speaks of him every single day, and talking to her today and going to be very hard. She started last night by saying this time last year he had no idea this was his last night on earth, in this house. I cannot even begin to imagine what's she going to say today.

We had flowers sent to the cemetary today.

Also today is the day John Lennon died. Who would have ever thought they would be forever linked.

Rest in Peace, Dad. And John too. Always missed.

Sound of crickets

I'm sure I don't need to apologize for the lack of entries as I'm sure no one actually reads this thing....

But, it's been very busy between recovering from surgery, getting the house in order for Christmas etc.

My arm was absolutely killing me after surgery, thought I had the beginnings of lymphedema, but I did not. It's much better now, just a bit sore. Had to go to the hospital yesterday to see the radiation guy and get a Lupron shot, which shuts down Estrogen production. What a loopy day! We got nothing accomplished. The radiation guy just read me my chart, and told me I'm going to have 33 radiation treatments which will cut right through Christmas (oh joy) now he'll charge me $500, and the Lupron shot I never got because it never said in my chart what dosage. They called the doctor, but he never called back. So we wasted 4 hours for absolutely nothing.

My right leg is killing me, has been since the second surgery. Electric shock pains and BAD. If I take meds to help, I fall asleep. So either it's 100 proof pain or sleep. Not good when you're trying to get your house in order for Christmas.

Mom is doing a bit better, seems more cheery, BUT this week marks the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's passing, so it's gonna be tough.

I'm on a breast cancer list online and another one of us passed this week. It's so hard. SO real. It shakes you up, really. When death is right there. Brings it home, especially when you're still alive. Her name was Marilyn.

You know, I'm sitting here thinking about Marilyn and what an ordeal she went through. And I'm thinking about me and the the crying jags I've gone through over the last few days. I had an accident in 2000, which resulted in a severe back injury and nerve damage which makes me limp, and my right side is numb and I get these electric shock pains in my right leg, which sometimes are nearly unbearable. So for the last few days I'm crying all the time saying it's unfair, I'm in so much pain, plus the cancer, what did I do to deserve such a crappy existance, you get the point. Now I think what a whiny, ungrateful COW I am for complaining so much. I'M ALIVE. I have my life. Poor POOR Marilyn. And countless other ladies have lost their battle. I won my battle so far, I didn't lose my breasts, I survived chemo, I survived surgery (2), I'm still here. Yes, I have pain, who doesn't, and I'm such a whiny brat for crying about pain. There is ALWAYS, ALWAYS someone worse off than you. Now I think all I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself, can't do this, can't do that. SO WHAT!?! Im alive.

I apologize to all and expecially to all the ladies who lost their battle.

So I swallow more pills so I can make my house pretty for my mom.

Let's update my mom first.

Con Ed came and checked again after the guy came back and once again cleaned the boiler. CO2 still out of control. NO ONE can figure it out now. I say the thing is gasping it's last, and there's gotta be cracks or something that the CO2 is escaping from. So now we're in the state of mind where the boiler has to be replaced. So that's gonna cost somewhere around $4000 at the very least. Meanwhile she's go no heat and she's freezing. Thank God it's gonna warm up a bit for a few days. Sheesh.

I saw the surgeon and he was of literally no help. I think all he did was admire his work and my stitches. He gave me no advice for the pain and gave me no meds. Told me to talk to my oncologist and see him in February.

When I told this to my oncologist, he was pissed.

Scans are good, nothing to report, so that's good.

Next step is to start shots called Lupron which shuts down your ovaries. Choice was surgery (eeeeeek!) to remove ovaries or this shot. I opted for the shot. No more surgery, I've had my fill, thank you very much! I have to eliminate estrogen production. Shot works for men as well, shutting down progesterone production for them. I tell my mom, and she's like, what no children? I started laughing my head off, I'm like, mom, I'm in my late 40's for crikey sake! She's so funny sometimes, I swear...but the thing is she means it.

See, my cancer is ER+/PR+, meaning it's hormone receptor positive, which means it reacts to hormone therapy. Some women are ER-/PR-, meaning all the hormone pills in the world aren't going to help them, so I am lucky in that regard.

Then I go see the radiation oncologist to map out my radiation treatment (oh joy - every day to the hosp. for 6 weeks for a 2 minute treatment! Hospital is 45 minutes away!). Keep in mind chemo is lurking in the bushes like the thing that wouldn't leave. We talked about that for like 40 minutes. He tells me like 30 times 'there is no medical proof that having more chemo or not having it makes any difference'. So I pretty much decided I'm not having it. I dread like the plague having more chemo. And since he told me over and over it makes not one iota of difference, why should I put myself through the agony of something that isn't going to make any difference? I said to him, well, I don't want to look back and say I shoulda had the chemo. He said, well, I don't want you to look back and say I shoulda started the radiation sooner.

THAT did it for me. Onto to rads.

My arm has been hurting like it's in a vise. But it seems to be getting a bit better. It doesn't hurt nearly as much. But in any case, I am going to see a therapist to see if I need a sleeve even temporarily to fight lymphedema, which you get when they remove lymph nodes.

That's about it really, except for gory details.

So I'll be going to rads while my mom is here for Christmas, something I REALLY wanted to avoid. But it's only a back and forth thing, not hours in the hospital. Ugh, life sucks.

Congrats to my girl Steph, who got married November 9!!


PS - Oncologist gave me new meds as I told him Vicodin no longer works on me. Tech name for Vicodin is Hydrocodone. He now gave me Oxycodone, which is Percocet. THIS is doing the trick, but I do have to take 4. I'm tellin' ya, I have a strong constitution!

OH! Somethin' like 39 or 40 days till Christmas. Give me a freakin' break......I haven't even bought a Thanksgiving TURKEY yet!

It all HAS to be a cruel joke

I mean, you just gotta laugh, you have to. Or you'll just plotz in a corner and cry till your tear ducts are bone dry.

First, my mother.

She started by just having a radiator repaired. No big deal. $98 bucks. When this seemingly small task was completed, the heat wouldn't come up. She tried and tried and that little click was nowhere to be found. The next day she calls the plumber guy back, he shows up, works on the boiler, nothing. He says I know a guy who can fix this. Great! He shows up. He works on it for 4 hours. Can't figure it out. He comes back the next day, says he needs a valve for a boiler that's nearly a 100 years old. As he's leaving, the carbon monoxide meter is beeping its brains out. She runs out into the street to tell them. They come back in. They examine the chimney and furnace. Absolutely filthy. My dad was not one for maintaining things. He thought they took care of themselves. The septic system in the house in PA was destroyed; he didnt have it serviced, not even once in 30 years. It had totally collapsed. Now that I have my own septic system, I know now it has to be emptied every 4-5 years. He never had it done and it vaporized, literally.

He never had the furnace and chimney cleaned because - wait for it - gas burns clean. OK. So after these guys leave, we have to walk my mom through turning the furnace off over the phone, due to carbon monoxide. She has to go to the electrical box and switch the button for the furnace. She's freezing in there for 2 days. They order her to have someone come in and have both the chimney and furnace cleaned immediately. As I type, someone there doing that and replacing the chimney liner and cap. $2100. So, so far she's in for $3000. The valve ended up costing $900.

So a little radiator repair has escalated into $3000.

Now me. I have seemingly developed lymphedema. For those of you unfamiliar and why should you be familiar, that's when your lymph fluid gets confused after lymph nodes have been removed, and doesn't know where to go. Your arm swells up and it hurts like hell, let me tell you. My arm is killing me and it's starting to swell up. By sheer coincidence I have a surgeon follow up appt. today. So I guess I'll find out what to do. Never a dull moment around here, let me tell you. My right thigh is numb to beat the band, getting electric shocks, that really hurts as well.

Even my mother is starting to think someone put a curse on us.

And in between all this we're trying to get the house in order; like get the furniture cleaned, put on new slipcovers, sand and stain the dining room table, clean the dining room chairs, put up new curtains, get a dumpster for all the trash, clean up the rooms, paint the bedroom, on and on and on and on, and not go bankrupt. Oh and Ray has to go to work occassionally.

So how is your day going?

O Bla Di, O Bla Da

So the waiting starts again. The waiting is OH so the hardest part.

Had my scans yesterday. I dunno why, but in the back of my mind there is this little child crying and scared. Like this time they're gonna find something. This was my third bone scan in less than a year. Some will say the doctor is just playing it safe and being thorough. Some will say he's going overboard. And still others will say he's trying to make extra bucks for the hospital (my mother). I dunno. In the first scan he asked me if I ever had trauma in my right ribs. I said yes I did, I was run over by a car, all damage being on my right side. He immediately said I thought it was trauma. This was in March. I had another bone scan and for the life of me, I can't remember which month, then one yesterday. They even took extra pictures of my ribs. Now I know it's natural to be nervous, and the oncologist said at my Oct. 29 appt., he didn't expect to find anything on these scans (then why do them?) but a part of you expects to walk in to your next appt. and hear dreadful news, like well, it wasn't trauma after all, it's in your bones, which means stage 4, incurable.

Meaning everything up till now has been a waste of time, a cruel joke from God, just one big, drawn out HA HA. I will drive myself INSANE till next Monday and I find out. I'm seeing the surgeon Thursday. The pain from the surgery is simply mind bending. I cannot extend my left arm, it hurts all the way down to my elbow, under my arm, the outer side of my arm, you name it. Feels like an awful sunburn at times. Also, my right leg is killing me; that's from the accident I had at work. It's numb and I'm getting electric shocks all the time. I'm literally falling apart! I'm up to 4 Vicodin a day, 3 Relafan, and 2 Topamax, and that's just to make it tolerable! If I wanted to feel GOOD, God KNOWS how much I would have to take.

ugh. I must have been HITLER in a past life to deserve all this crap.

My mom's furnace broke down and she's had no heat for three days. It's gonna cost about $900 to fix it. Great. They're coming today. It's a constant thread of bad news for my family. NOTHING goes right.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G. When there's news, it's always bad.

Ray went down to see her this past Sunday. We bought her a new microwave cause hers caught on fire (see what I mean?) and he also fixed some lights, installed new smoke detectors, a carbon monoxide detector and a few other things.

We had the furniture cleaned yesterday; I bought new slipcovers for them.

I'm trying to keep up a normal existance, although these scans are always on my mind. There has to be a reason I've had 3 bone scans in less than a year. He must be overly concerned, which is what is making me so nervous. To be fair, I do obsess over things, and the oncologist did say he wants to be absolutely sure, hence the extra chemo. Oh hells bells I don't know. Maybe I am over analyzing!

Never speak before you have all the facts

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I said 'onto to rads!' in a most cavalier way as if my journey had ended, I could see the finish line, I was mustering up that final bit of strength to make it to the end and then let out that sigh of relief. :sound of loud buzzer: Not so fast, chickie babe.

Saw my oncologist on the 29th. He wasn't quite as happy with my surgery results as I was. I think it's amazing how 2 people can view the same event.

I see it as 'all clear' - they got it all, no more surgery, yippee-i-o.

He sees it as the original tumor in the breast spread outward to the lymph nodes and even after 8 cycles of chemo, there was still microscopic traces of cancer in 8 of 13 lymph nodes.

So my euphoria was deflated by his demeanor and the words 'more chemo'.

He didn't seem happy about much of anything. But then again, to be fair, this guy never seems happy about much of anything. Doesn't laugh, hardly ever smiles, makes me wonder what WOULD make him laugh actually.

He also ordered yet another Bone Scan (3rd one in less than a year) and another CT Scan (2nd one). I'm having both on Monday (Nov. 5). Then I see him again Nov. 12. He said he doesn't expect to find anything. In between I see the surgeon for a surgical follow-up on Nov. 8.

Provided the scans are OK, after I heal from surgery (painful as all get out) in a few weeks, I have more chemo. I said I don't want Taxol. Made me so so sick, don't want to go there again, he's gonna look into other drugs. He said it won't be 8 cycles like before, but didn't say how many, maybe between 2-4.

But now that my nails are recovering and my hair is coming back, I guess I can kiss all that good bye. Great. Guess I'm going back to this--->












He explained the 'more chemo' as an insurance policy, as in peace of mind. He's very thorough, I'll give him that. Needless to say, this treatment is going to go on till next year sometime.

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Hope everyone had a great Halloween.

I spent it watching ghost shows, which I love. I tell ya what though, I am not watching these 'live' ghost shows anymore. They go on too long (6-7 hours) and it's too boring. I'd rather watch the 'results' show where they condense their findings.

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Mom seems better. Actually talking about cleaning out the house, which is a remarkable change from "I don't care".

She sent me the check FINALLY for the hotel for Christmas, so we're working (mostly Ray) like demons to make sure our house is in order. I think Ray is going down to see her this Sunday as so many things are breaking down in the house. I just can't go; I'm so tired all the time from the surgery and I have a lot of tests on Monday. Every muscle in my body hurts, my shoulders, my neck, my right leg, and especially under my left arm where they removed the nodes, very painful.

Ugh, I'd give anything for one day with no pain. Just one day. Will this ever be over? I dunno. Some people say cancer treatment goes on for the rest of your life. Some say it does end one day. There are many MANY people out there who have it alot worse than me, but I guess you don't think of that when you're going through it.

All for now.