O Bla Di, O Bla Da

So the waiting starts again. The waiting is OH so the hardest part.

Had my scans yesterday. I dunno why, but in the back of my mind there is this little child crying and scared. Like this time they're gonna find something. This was my third bone scan in less than a year. Some will say the doctor is just playing it safe and being thorough. Some will say he's going overboard. And still others will say he's trying to make extra bucks for the hospital (my mother). I dunno. In the first scan he asked me if I ever had trauma in my right ribs. I said yes I did, I was run over by a car, all damage being on my right side. He immediately said I thought it was trauma. This was in March. I had another bone scan and for the life of me, I can't remember which month, then one yesterday. They even took extra pictures of my ribs. Now I know it's natural to be nervous, and the oncologist said at my Oct. 29 appt., he didn't expect to find anything on these scans (then why do them?) but a part of you expects to walk in to your next appt. and hear dreadful news, like well, it wasn't trauma after all, it's in your bones, which means stage 4, incurable.

Meaning everything up till now has been a waste of time, a cruel joke from God, just one big, drawn out HA HA. I will drive myself INSANE till next Monday and I find out. I'm seeing the surgeon Thursday. The pain from the surgery is simply mind bending. I cannot extend my left arm, it hurts all the way down to my elbow, under my arm, the outer side of my arm, you name it. Feels like an awful sunburn at times. Also, my right leg is killing me; that's from the accident I had at work. It's numb and I'm getting electric shocks all the time. I'm literally falling apart! I'm up to 4 Vicodin a day, 3 Relafan, and 2 Topamax, and that's just to make it tolerable! If I wanted to feel GOOD, God KNOWS how much I would have to take.

ugh. I must have been HITLER in a past life to deserve all this crap.

My mom's furnace broke down and she's had no heat for three days. It's gonna cost about $900 to fix it. Great. They're coming today. It's a constant thread of bad news for my family. NOTHING goes right.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G. When there's news, it's always bad.

Ray went down to see her this past Sunday. We bought her a new microwave cause hers caught on fire (see what I mean?) and he also fixed some lights, installed new smoke detectors, a carbon monoxide detector and a few other things.

We had the furniture cleaned yesterday; I bought new slipcovers for them.

I'm trying to keep up a normal existance, although these scans are always on my mind. There has to be a reason I've had 3 bone scans in less than a year. He must be overly concerned, which is what is making me so nervous. To be fair, I do obsess over things, and the oncologist did say he wants to be absolutely sure, hence the extra chemo. Oh hells bells I don't know. Maybe I am over analyzing!