The Last Waltz

I had my last chemo today. Thank GOD. Now, I only have one more cycle for side effects. And then it's over.

They give you Benedryl before the chemo (a massive syringe full) and you get pretty goofy. I tried to fall asleep, but a side effect (immediate) of the Taxol (chemo) is restless legs. You get pains and aches in your legs and you're constantly moving them. So only maybe 15 mnutes of sleep today at the hospital.

I also had a blood test ($3 grand worth) for BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutation. One of the requirements, so to speak, is the onset of BC before age 50. ::raises hand:: So I find out the results in about 2 weeks. Here's the downside. Isn't there always?

If I'm positive for BRCA gene mutation, it means I have a 100% chance of reoccurance of BC PLUS ovarian cancer. If I'm negative for the gene mutation, it means I have a 1% chance of reoccurance. Oh joy. He said if you're positive, you may want to consider removal of your ovaries, plus a double mastectomy, which would reduce your chances of reoccurance by 90%.

Good Lord have mercy.

I can accept losing the ovaries, I ain't really using them, so to speak, but a double mastectomy???? I've gone from a simple lumpectomy to a possible double mastectomy.

So it will be a tough day indeed when I return to the oncologist to hear the results.

Now, of course, I cannot control myself, so Im googling BRCA. All I'm reading is the hereditary angle and all I've read is before 40, not 50. Also, I read on a medical journal, more than 9 out of 10 are negative. Since I have absolutely no family history of BC.....I dunno, does that mean I will be negative? Is it too good to be true that I will only have a 1% chance of reoccurance?

I guarantee you I will have an anxiety attack the day I'm going in to see the results. That means I will have to have 2 surgeries, and massive ones at that. Hey look, I'm not having kids, I don't need my damn ovaries, take 'em, they're yours, hang 'em up, frame them. But a double mastectomy? I'm already worried sick the scars from just a lumpectomy will be hideous, now I gotta think about having NOTHING there?

As everyone keeps telling me, you can't worry over things you can't control. True. But I can't help it. It's my nature to read and read and find out all I can.

So please say a little prayer I'm negative for this test.