Snow, a talking down and trying to get help

This is what I woke to today. That's right, April 12. Beautiful! But it will delay my tomato crop.

So far, this is not a good day. I belong to a Yahoogroup of Breast Cancer patients and survivors, which for the most part has been extremely helpful, comforting, supporting and cathartic. But today I received a severe talking down from someone, who called me everything from 'juvenile' to 'immature' to 'rude'. Apparently, this is because I answered a post saying not to read everything on the internet, because you will go crazy or make yourself feel worse. The words sent to me today on that list have made ME feel worse. I thought I was dealing with this rather well, leaving out panic attacks and simple fear. I am trying to conduct my life as normally as possible, pay the bills, pay my mother's bills, do her tax returns, and mostly not let on to her on any level what is really going on. I'm dancing on a tightrope of emotions. Trying not to set myself off, keep my husband calm, not let my mother know, apply all day long for financial assistance to a myriad of various agencies, see my medical bills already climb into the tens of thousands, knowing we have no funds to pay it or any insurance.

This event today has made me feel awful, not because I actually believe I did anything wrong. I don't, unless I AM so stupid or thick, I don't see it. All I wrote was ask your doctors, don't trust everything you read on the internet. Some women were posting they were very upset about having a possible hysterectomy, as well as losing their breasts. I said, at this stage I want to LIVE. If I have to lose a breast or both, or have a hysterectomy, so be it. Losing female parts is absolutely frightening and makes you feel a shell, I'm sure. But the alternative of dying...

Now, I feel I have no support system. My husband is a gem, a diamond, a wonderful guy who is by my side. I have enormously caring, giving loving friends. But this support group on the internet made me feel part of a community that was sharing what I am going through, they are all there or have been there. Now I won't post. I apologized for all my shortcomings, which according to this person, I have many, and said I will not participate or post.

Maybe I'm strecthed to the limit of my mental and emotional limit. All I do all day long is look for financial assistance and have normal conversations with my mother as if I'm living in some sort of Shangri-La, trying to protect her from information which could do her an enormous damage, just losing her husband of 50 years 3 months ago.

We have decided we will be going to Long Island in 2 or 3 weeks to tell her. I cannot tell her on the phone, as she sits there alone. We will tell her in person, so she sees me, hears me, sees I am not dying, I don't sound or look any different and we will fight. It was found early, does not appear anywhere else on my body, doesn't 'appear' to be in my lymph nodes, I am getting treatment, eating all organic foods, and trying to keep a positive attitude.

Until today.

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On a much more positive note, I spoke with Patient Assistance at Neulasta, which is the shot you get after chemo to keep your white blood cell count up, seems they can help me until my insurance kicks in in July. This was the first actual place I spoke with who didn't say 'no'.

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Hockey Notes

My OTHER favorite team, the Dallas Stars, lost in 4 OT's last night. ugh.

My Islanders play tonight. If they are losing badly early, I'm out. Don't need the stress, lol.