The day before the rest of your life

Afternoon. I've had no internet or phone all day. Been a relief of sorts.

Went to the regular doctor today. My blood pressure is DOWN 100 points! It is much MUCH too high to have any surgery done, so she's been mixing and matching RX's to bring it down. I'm borderline now for surgery, which is AMAZING in this short space of time. So that was some good news for a slight change of pace.

Picked up some more fruits that allegedly fight cancer cells.

Avocados (love 'em), red grapes (not sold on 'em), tons of citrus and juice, organic milk, cabbage, organic spring mix. I may be wasting my time eating all this, but hey you know it's not THAT much of a change for me really. I always eat salad and always have juice in the house, plus healthy cereal. The biggest thing is the organic milk.

The thing that is the biggest bone of contention is the smoking. I just can't walk away entirely and OH! have I tried. I have about 3 drags a day, which is remarkable change from a pack, and sometimes more a day. I'll do it, but I just can't 100% wean off yet. I know, please don't tell me.

Feel better than yesterday. Gotta get a sports bra, I'm sure it's a ton more comfortable than this contraption I have on.

Tomorrow is my last full day without knowing any more than I already do. It truly is amazing and staggering what you can get used to in a short period of time. Let's see, today is April 2, not 2 weeks ago I found out I had cancer. I'm already used to that. Isn't that just something? NOW, what I fear is this dr. starting off a sentence by saying, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you...."

I will then know it's somewhere else, more complicated, survival rate goes down, incurable, now treatable, more chemo, God knows what other operations....crikey.

I've had so many offer prayers and good wishes, it's so heartwarming. And so appreciated, you simply have no idea.

Please think of me Wednesday morning around 9:30-ish and say a little prayer for Jesus or an angel or someone to look over me and save my life. I'm already making bargains with God, or trying to. I'm asking for 15 years of life (I started at 20). I told my doctor today and she laughed and said gotten any feedback? I said no, which worries me, she laughed again.

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When I was at the hospital the other day for an appointment (Glens Falls Hospital, NY) there was the most amazing photo in the lobby framed. For those of you who do not know, 9/11 hit us hard. We lived only 14 miles from the Trade Center at the time, had been there, worked there, I lost 2 friends on 9/11, and my cousin, a firefighter was actually un accounted for a long LONG time.

In any case, I'm sitting there and see this photo (see beginning of post). It struck me. It was taken in 1999, well before the WTC collapsed, the photographer was taking a photo of the hibiscus in front of it, and the WTC just happened to be behind the photo. This is the only print I can find of it online, I know it's small, but it's on the photog's web site for sale. In actual size it's beautiful.

It's called 'Bloom Again'. I've decided that's going to be me.

Bloom again.