What a difference a day makes..

I've gone from being pretty happy - surgery over, incisions not too bad, pain starting to diminish, cancer gone - to finding out that there is microscopic node involvement, when he told Ray after surgery 'negative on nodes', and also they did not get clear margins.

Surgeon said removing or not removing nodes doesn't effect survival, which I find a bit odd. Why leave cancer in your body? And the margins around the removed tumor have positive and close margins, meaning they didn't get it all. So it's back to surgery.

Either for a re excision (which is removing more breast tissue, resulting in a sunken breast) or a mastectomy. I've lost all hope of the 5 day rads, so if I have the re excision I have to have rads, meaning who the hell knows how long this will go on. If I have a mastectomy, probably no rads, but no breast either.

I broke down and cried. I sweated while he was telling me, but tried to remain outwardly stable. I cried on the phone to Ray. Cannot reach my mother since last Saturday. Apparently, her phone died. She called from a neighbor's phone Monday after surgery, I was asleep, Ray spoke to her. I've been leaving her messages. I left one today saying you need to get a new phone or borrow someone's phone. I need to talk to you. That was 4 hours ago and she hasn't called. So quite obviously, she doesn't know. She thinks it's all over but for the radiation. She has no idea I have to go back into surgery.

What a fucking situation. I thought I was over the worst part. I may even have to have chemo again. JUST when my body is repairing; nails coming back, feet fine, hair coming back.

Seeing oncologist Monday.

What did I DO to deserve this?