Summer finally going into the rearview mirror

More happy I couldn't be to have Labor Day behind us, and the Fall rapidly approaching here in the great white north.

Leaves are changing, temps in the 40's at night. Just glorious.

In cancer news, I think I may have told some of you I am decidedly unhappy about the surgeon not being able to squeeze me in for a consult until 9/20. I called first thing this morning (after having 3 conversations Friday with the oncologist office) and said I wanted a different surgeon who has a sooner appointment. Well, to say they were making it difficult is an understatment. I guess they don't want the guy to lose any money. ALL she kept saying is well, once you start with a doctor, we'd like you to stay with him. Yeah, well, fine, but *I* don't want to stay with him.

She miraculously found an appt. a week sooner (9/13), but I'm still not happy. She said when she calls all his appts. for this week, if there is a cancellation she'll call. Well, Im'm giving her to 3pm, then I call and say you know? I don't want the 13th appt. I want another doctor. I don't really care what they want, I'm entitled to change doctors if I want to.

Having a consult on 9/20, then surgery sometime in October, recovery time then 6 weeks of radiation, puts me in the dead of winter. Nope, sorry, don't want it. I want this overwith!

The closing for my mom's summer house is next week, and I can finally pay what remains of her debts (well, my dad's actually).

Not much else going on. We did alot of cleaning out this weekend, and will have to call a guy who hauls trash away. The garbage situation up here is odd to say the least. One pick up a week, but no cardboard and no bulk pick ups at all. YOU have to haul it the dump. Now there's no way we can haul a fridge, a couch etc to the dump, so we have to hire someone. I'm befuddled as to what I'm actually paying taxes for, since we live on a private road and they don't plow the snow on private roads, WE have to pay for it, garbage pick up is lame at best. All these school taxes, when we have no kids. I'm not sure what I'm paying for actually...

I really want my mom to come up here for Christmas, but I know she's gonna give me a hard time. She's insisting on this 'year of mourning' thing, in which she includes Christmas, even though my dad passed Dec. 8. I cannot go down there again for Christmas and sit at the kitchen table in that dark house, going over the same ground over and over and over. I hope that doesn't sound too bitchy or whatever. She has got to realize she's still alive and she does have a family. Yes, it was a shock, still is, but she has to start moving forward. ALL my dad's stuff is in the same exact spot it was the day he passed, the sheets remain on the bed (she won't sleep in it), all his clothes, toothbrush, everything. It's unhealthy for her. There's a woman down the street from her, who started cleaning out 8 weeks after her husband passed. 8 weeks! My dad has been gone 9 months and not one thing has moved, including my mom. She sits at the kitchen table all day, or sleeps.

There is no reason she can't come up here. None. My husband would drive down to get her and the dog, and she can spend a week or two here. But I know it would be easier raising the Titanic than convincing her.

I need a break. Ever since Dec. 8, 2006 I've carried my mom, her bills, my dad's bills, my bills, cancer, my house, chemo, everyone's emotional well being etc. I need a break, truly I do. Sometimes I don't think my mom thinks of things in a way wherein other people have problems. ALL she talks about is her, her money problems (of which she has NONE now), and blah blah blah. I know this sounds hideous, I really do, but she never ever brings up my health situation unless I do. I think she 'forgets' I'm also going through cancer and cancer treatment, she is so overly obsessed with her 'problems' or what she conceives as her problems. She makes well more in a month than she can spend from Social Security and my dad's pension, and she just sold a house, which will pay the remaining bills, and she'll have some left over. Remember way back, way back, I was SO SCARED to tell her about the cancer? She hardly blinked an eyelash, and not 15 minutes later we were back to HER problems. Maybe I'm being selfish, I dunno, but as I said I need a vacation from worrying about everyone else.

Maybe I am being selfish. It won't last. I spend all my time worrying about everyone else.